I accidentally burped into my bong.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
