areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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