yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
