girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
