i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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