my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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