somebody snuck up and got me drunk
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
