I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
