You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
