dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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