I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
