I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
