Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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