if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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