I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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