btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
