Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
there is glitter all over my balls
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