So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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