The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
