you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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