Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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