I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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