If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
