I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
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