dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
