i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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