Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
