Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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