i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
