We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
