Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
