Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
