I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Randomize
