I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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