Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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