So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
