Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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