Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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