i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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