I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
