So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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