Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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