The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
