I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
