One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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