i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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