so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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