This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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