afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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