You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
